How do I deal with Anger and Anxiety!
I love that you used an exclamation mark instead of a question mark. It shows how passionate you are about what you are focused on.
Just think how your life will be when you refocus all that passion and use it in a way that serves you and your relationships…It can be incredible when you do!
For now, however, let’s channel some of that energy you have into managing your emotions in a way that can serve you. In talking about Blame, Shame and Guilt in past shows, I talked about the fact that your thoughts and beliefs direct you in experiencing different emotions; these emotions that you feel produce a variety of actions, or lack of action. Once you’re able to understand what your emotions are trying to tell you and where they are coming from, you will then be able to manage them and the affects they have on you and your life.
So, let’s look at “Anger”, and then we will go over Anxiety” in Part 2 of this Q&A.
Feelings of anger generally evolve out of past experiences or current thoughts that pertain to loss and pain. This can be the result of things that happened in your life which may or may not be in your control. This loss and pain can also stem from expectations that were not met, or from the rules that you have created for yourself and for others.
For example, if you have a set rule that says: anyone you’re to meet must be on time in order for you to be happy and if they aren't punctual it means they do not respect or value your time, then you’re setting yourself up to be unhappy or angry. They’re action of being late is anchored to you losing respect and the pain of you not feeling important enough for them to show up when you expected them to show up. You decided that their actions, if they are late, would result in feelings of anger. So this is what you’ll feel every time this happens.
It won’t matter if it’s a luncheon, a romantic date, a business meeting, or your family coming over for a holiday gathering. You have predetermined that every time this happens, you will be at least upset and more likely, angry.
This rule will hold true unless you have made an exception. For example, if you know: your brother is always late to meet you and you think he’ll never change; having any kind of relationship with him requires you to bend your rule and make him the exception; you will have to accept his tardiness because it is his nature without it being an attack on you, then you can allow yourself to be happy, or at least okay, when he shows up late. In this case, you have changed your rule. Having a relationship with your brother has become more important to you than his being on time.
What is important to understand when it comes to emotions is that it’s always your choice to choose how to feel, based on what you’ll allow yourself to feel because you control the meanings you attach to the events that happen in your life.
Of course, there’s a great deal of anger that can come to the surface from experiencing loss related to a death or a major life transition. Confusion, disbelief, entitlement, resentment, self-pity, blame, shame and guilt are only a few emotions that feed the emotional fire of anger. Anger is not a bad emotion. It’s merely part of the grieving process. Anger will pass, just as great sadness will pass, with time, clarity and support.
Loss can be described as you not achieving, receiving or no longer having certain things, experiences, or people in your life that you want to have, or once had. Loss creates pain and sadness. Pain will eventually produce anger. Because of this, you experience what seems to be an unending cycle of sadness and anger. You switch back and forth between the two emotions. You do this until you’re so exhausted that you either do nothing, or you decide that you’ll no longer settle for less. If you’re ready to make change a reality, you will.
One unfortunate reality, however, is that many people create their own pain or exaggerate it by making things out to be far worse than they actually are by stacking their thoughts, rules and beliefs.
Yes, it’s true! We tend to stack more than just paperwork, shoe boxes and debt! Uncomfortable or painful thoughts are very stackable, too. They can reach heights that are so overwhelming, it can seem impossible to see over our pain sometimes.
So what is emotional stacking? It’s when you choose to stack one uncomfortable, disappointing or painful thought on top of another, on top of another, and so on, until it seems unbearable or at the very least gives you enough reason to justify your feelings; your behaviors; or your need to avoid someone or something. You can, of course, use stacking in a positive way; as a tool to serve and empower you, if you learn how.
For example, choosing not to work out can be a result of stacking. Choosing to procrastinate on a deadline or choosing not to connect with your partner about a problem you are having, can be a result of stacking. If you stack enough thoughts and therefore enough emotions, then feelings of loss, guilt, discomfort, sadness, shame, insecurity, fear, unworthiness, exhaustion, inadequacy, and pain, among other emotions, can keep you from reaching any goal. Knowing this, you can see how important it is to become aware of when, what and how you stack. If you stack the right things you will be motivated to take action and create change.
For my answer regarding how you can deal with anxiety, please select Part 2 of this Q&A.
BSG Event Answers For Healthy Woman Members
by CJ Harlan
© copyright 2014
TheHarlanCircle.com
So, let’s look at “Anger”, and then we will go over Anxiety” in Part 2 of this Q&A.
Feelings of anger generally evolve out of past experiences or current thoughts that pertain to loss and pain. This can be the result of things that happened in your life which may or may not be in your control. This loss and pain can also stem from expectations that were not met, or from the rules that you have created for yourself and for others.
For example, if you have a set rule that says: anyone you’re to meet must be on time in order for you to be happy and if they aren't punctual it means they do not respect or value your time, then you’re setting yourself up to be unhappy or angry. They’re action of being late is anchored to you losing respect and the pain of you not feeling important enough for them to show up when you expected them to show up. You decided that their actions, if they are late, would result in feelings of anger. So this is what you’ll feel every time this happens.
It won’t matter if it’s a luncheon, a romantic date, a business meeting, or your family coming over for a holiday gathering. You have predetermined that every time this happens, you will be at least upset and more likely, angry.
This rule will hold true unless you have made an exception. For example, if you know: your brother is always late to meet you and you think he’ll never change; having any kind of relationship with him requires you to bend your rule and make him the exception; you will have to accept his tardiness because it is his nature without it being an attack on you, then you can allow yourself to be happy, or at least okay, when he shows up late. In this case, you have changed your rule. Having a relationship with your brother has become more important to you than his being on time.
What is important to understand when it comes to emotions is that it’s always your choice to choose how to feel, based on what you’ll allow yourself to feel because you control the meanings you attach to the events that happen in your life.
Of course, there’s a great deal of anger that can come to the surface from experiencing loss related to a death or a major life transition. Confusion, disbelief, entitlement, resentment, self-pity, blame, shame and guilt are only a few emotions that feed the emotional fire of anger. Anger is not a bad emotion. It’s merely part of the grieving process. Anger will pass, just as great sadness will pass, with time, clarity and support.
Loss can be described as you not achieving, receiving or no longer having certain things, experiences, or people in your life that you want to have, or once had. Loss creates pain and sadness. Pain will eventually produce anger. Because of this, you experience what seems to be an unending cycle of sadness and anger. You switch back and forth between the two emotions. You do this until you’re so exhausted that you either do nothing, or you decide that you’ll no longer settle for less. If you’re ready to make change a reality, you will.
One unfortunate reality, however, is that many people create their own pain or exaggerate it by making things out to be far worse than they actually are by stacking their thoughts, rules and beliefs.
Yes, it’s true! We tend to stack more than just paperwork, shoe boxes and debt! Uncomfortable or painful thoughts are very stackable, too. They can reach heights that are so overwhelming, it can seem impossible to see over our pain sometimes.
So what is emotional stacking? It’s when you choose to stack one uncomfortable, disappointing or painful thought on top of another, on top of another, and so on, until it seems unbearable or at the very least gives you enough reason to justify your feelings; your behaviors; or your need to avoid someone or something. You can, of course, use stacking in a positive way; as a tool to serve and empower you, if you learn how.
For example, choosing not to work out can be a result of stacking. Choosing to procrastinate on a deadline or choosing not to connect with your partner about a problem you are having, can be a result of stacking. If you stack enough thoughts and therefore enough emotions, then feelings of loss, guilt, discomfort, sadness, shame, insecurity, fear, unworthiness, exhaustion, inadequacy, and pain, among other emotions, can keep you from reaching any goal. Knowing this, you can see how important it is to become aware of when, what and how you stack. If you stack the right things you will be motivated to take action and create change.
For my answer regarding how you can deal with anxiety, please select Part 2 of this Q&A.
BSG Event Answers For Healthy Woman Members
by CJ Harlan
© copyright 2014
TheHarlanCircle.com
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