"How can you deal with listening to negative emotions all day long?"
"How can you change your emotions?"
"And how do you handle a person with hyper emotions all the time?"
"How can you change your emotions?"
"And how do you handle a person with hyper emotions all the time?"
I received these questions from the same lovely lady that asked me: "Why do I have a problem journaling?"
For that answer, go to the Q&A titled: Why Can't I Journal?
For this series of related questions, the short answer is: Learn how to change your perspectives, thoughts, language, rules, expectations and physical behaviors while you establish healthy boundaries.
The detailed answer is as follows…
Lesser emotions (what many call negative emotions), complaining, sarcastic and cynical remarks, insults, criticisms, judgments, nagging…all of these means of expression fall under the category of “energy drainers” or as a good friend once labeled, “Psyche Suckers”. Even the best emotional managers can be challenged to “keep their cool” at times. The key to unlocking the door to your safe haven of control, is in learning how to read someone and their whys for their behavior. When you can do this, you’ll be able to dissociate yourself in a healthy way and maintain control.
As for changing your emotions, if it’s truly your emotions you’re speaking of, then it’s as easy as changing your physiology, your language and your focus. If you’re feeling defeated or sad, immediately sit up straight, raise your chin way up, look at the ceiling, take a breath in and hold it for 4 seconds and blow it out, repeat 3 or 4 times while you either hum a happy tune or think of a happy memory. You can literally change what you’re experiencing in seconds.
I'll prove it...Have you ever been in a good mood and then someone does something or says something that pushes or triggers your buttons? Do you immediately become angry or sad? How quick did you change what you were feeling? Pretty quick, I bet!...In seconds, maybe?
This was because you went from whatever happy thoughts you were having, to speaking the the internal language you chose to match that person's influence. What? Did I lose you? Let me give you another example and explain more.
Let’s say that you were talking about something you just accomplished, that you were really proud of, and your partner or one of your parents said: “That’s good and all, but I know you could have done better”. Or, they interrupt you and say: That reminds me of…and then they proceed to tell you about one of their own accomplishments. Perhaps they highlight one of your sibling’s even more amazing feats.
The internal language you may choose to use is either one of anger or sadness and could sound like: I’ll never be good enough; they’ll always love them more; they don’t love me; they could care less about how hard I worked; they never listen to me; why should I even bother, it doesn't matter; I’ll show them, I’m never telling them anything ever again; I hate them…
Do any of these statements or inner dialogue sound familiar? If you said yes, then you know how your mood or emotions can change quickly based on the language you choose to use. If you use language that says, to yourself: “I’m really happy with how my project turned out”, versus “There I go messing everything up again, everyone will be disappointed in me”. You can see how language choices will dictate how you'll feel, due to the labels or roles you assume and your emotional habits.
One example would be: If you feel like you always walk in your siblings shadow, then I would bet...If you looked at your choices you would see that you have done or said things that reinforce your "shadowed" role? It's time to come out of the shadows!
Just as your emotions can spiral downward fast, they can also shoot into the sky just as quickly. I believe that one of the most effective quickest mood elevators is music. Try it. Put on a great upbeat tune that you love. You’ll see that you can have an immediate positive reaction. Your feet will start moving. You may snap your fingers or clap your hands. Your may even move those hips!
Good music is a much healthier way to shift your mood than food, alcohol, drugs or any other addictive behavior. Give it a try next time you want to change your emotion. Another way to shift your emotions, as I mentioned, is to visualize something, someone, or an experience that you love. To quote the movie Happy Gilmore…Find your “Happy Place”.
As for changing someone else’s emotions, that takes some knowledge about interrupting patterns. It could be as easy as putting some of that music on that you know the other person will like. Start dancing, set an example of what’s possible. Maybe they will choose to join you. If its your partner or spouse, you can give them a lot of sweet little kisses and whisper in their ear the genuine feeling of gratitude you have for them being in your life. Tell them what you appreciate about them, even if at first you have to dig deep and swallow your pride a bit because you are not happy with them. Dig deep, get outside of yourself and take a positive action to change your experience and influence theirs. Do an act of kindness, then smile and walk away expecting nothing in return. This can create excitement, mystery; ultimately a shift in emotions.
Some people you can tickle, others you may have to ask to go for a walk with you or do something more physical to influence their state of being. Even if they’re pouting or frowning when you start out creating change, they almost always come around and feel better in the end. Many people will appreciate your efforts to give them the attention that they were really after in the first place.
The big difference in how you react to someone that is hyper emotional, is based on your decision to understand where their emotions are coming from and to give them attention in a positive way. This reinforces good reference points from which they can draw from in the future. Over time this hyper emotional individual can see how they can get their needs met through positive interactions, instead of through lesser emotional states, destructive comments and destructive behaviors. The triggers, albeit hard to ignore at times, should not be the focus. Make the actual change and rewards the focus.
Here's a little behind the scene info..what i have come to understand and witness with people that are either shy or reserved, is that there is a very passionate, loving, fascinating person just waiting to come out. On the flip side, the hyper emotional person is one who has few if any filters on the way they express their passion. What you don't see yet, is how this person can create an incredible life for themselves, influencing others to do the same...if they learn to channel this sensitivity and passion into other emotions, beliefs and productive actions.
In closing, understand that you can’t control anyone else and their ability to change anything. If they don’t want to change, they won’t. If you don’t want to change, you won’t. If you think something is impossible, it is. If you think and believe you can do something (and you take action) you will achieve many things, even things you didn't even know you wanted to achieve until you decided you were “all in” and willing to…”go the distance”!
Every second of every day, you can only change "you" and what you choose to experience. This means that no matter what anyone else feels…
You can always feel exactly the way you want to feel.
So pick an emotion and do it!
For more answers to these questions or any other, please contact me.
BSG Event Answers For Healthy Woman Members
by CJ Harlan
© copyright 2014
TheHarlanCircle.com
For that answer, go to the Q&A titled: Why Can't I Journal?
For this series of related questions, the short answer is: Learn how to change your perspectives, thoughts, language, rules, expectations and physical behaviors while you establish healthy boundaries.
The detailed answer is as follows…
Lesser emotions (what many call negative emotions), complaining, sarcastic and cynical remarks, insults, criticisms, judgments, nagging…all of these means of expression fall under the category of “energy drainers” or as a good friend once labeled, “Psyche Suckers”. Even the best emotional managers can be challenged to “keep their cool” at times. The key to unlocking the door to your safe haven of control, is in learning how to read someone and their whys for their behavior. When you can do this, you’ll be able to dissociate yourself in a healthy way and maintain control.
As for changing your emotions, if it’s truly your emotions you’re speaking of, then it’s as easy as changing your physiology, your language and your focus. If you’re feeling defeated or sad, immediately sit up straight, raise your chin way up, look at the ceiling, take a breath in and hold it for 4 seconds and blow it out, repeat 3 or 4 times while you either hum a happy tune or think of a happy memory. You can literally change what you’re experiencing in seconds.
I'll prove it...Have you ever been in a good mood and then someone does something or says something that pushes or triggers your buttons? Do you immediately become angry or sad? How quick did you change what you were feeling? Pretty quick, I bet!...In seconds, maybe?
This was because you went from whatever happy thoughts you were having, to speaking the the internal language you chose to match that person's influence. What? Did I lose you? Let me give you another example and explain more.
Let’s say that you were talking about something you just accomplished, that you were really proud of, and your partner or one of your parents said: “That’s good and all, but I know you could have done better”. Or, they interrupt you and say: That reminds me of…and then they proceed to tell you about one of their own accomplishments. Perhaps they highlight one of your sibling’s even more amazing feats.
The internal language you may choose to use is either one of anger or sadness and could sound like: I’ll never be good enough; they’ll always love them more; they don’t love me; they could care less about how hard I worked; they never listen to me; why should I even bother, it doesn't matter; I’ll show them, I’m never telling them anything ever again; I hate them…
Do any of these statements or inner dialogue sound familiar? If you said yes, then you know how your mood or emotions can change quickly based on the language you choose to use. If you use language that says, to yourself: “I’m really happy with how my project turned out”, versus “There I go messing everything up again, everyone will be disappointed in me”. You can see how language choices will dictate how you'll feel, due to the labels or roles you assume and your emotional habits.
One example would be: If you feel like you always walk in your siblings shadow, then I would bet...If you looked at your choices you would see that you have done or said things that reinforce your "shadowed" role? It's time to come out of the shadows!
Just as your emotions can spiral downward fast, they can also shoot into the sky just as quickly. I believe that one of the most effective quickest mood elevators is music. Try it. Put on a great upbeat tune that you love. You’ll see that you can have an immediate positive reaction. Your feet will start moving. You may snap your fingers or clap your hands. Your may even move those hips!
Good music is a much healthier way to shift your mood than food, alcohol, drugs or any other addictive behavior. Give it a try next time you want to change your emotion. Another way to shift your emotions, as I mentioned, is to visualize something, someone, or an experience that you love. To quote the movie Happy Gilmore…Find your “Happy Place”.
As for changing someone else’s emotions, that takes some knowledge about interrupting patterns. It could be as easy as putting some of that music on that you know the other person will like. Start dancing, set an example of what’s possible. Maybe they will choose to join you. If its your partner or spouse, you can give them a lot of sweet little kisses and whisper in their ear the genuine feeling of gratitude you have for them being in your life. Tell them what you appreciate about them, even if at first you have to dig deep and swallow your pride a bit because you are not happy with them. Dig deep, get outside of yourself and take a positive action to change your experience and influence theirs. Do an act of kindness, then smile and walk away expecting nothing in return. This can create excitement, mystery; ultimately a shift in emotions.
Some people you can tickle, others you may have to ask to go for a walk with you or do something more physical to influence their state of being. Even if they’re pouting or frowning when you start out creating change, they almost always come around and feel better in the end. Many people will appreciate your efforts to give them the attention that they were really after in the first place.
The big difference in how you react to someone that is hyper emotional, is based on your decision to understand where their emotions are coming from and to give them attention in a positive way. This reinforces good reference points from which they can draw from in the future. Over time this hyper emotional individual can see how they can get their needs met through positive interactions, instead of through lesser emotional states, destructive comments and destructive behaviors. The triggers, albeit hard to ignore at times, should not be the focus. Make the actual change and rewards the focus.
Here's a little behind the scene info..what i have come to understand and witness with people that are either shy or reserved, is that there is a very passionate, loving, fascinating person just waiting to come out. On the flip side, the hyper emotional person is one who has few if any filters on the way they express their passion. What you don't see yet, is how this person can create an incredible life for themselves, influencing others to do the same...if they learn to channel this sensitivity and passion into other emotions, beliefs and productive actions.
In closing, understand that you can’t control anyone else and their ability to change anything. If they don’t want to change, they won’t. If you don’t want to change, you won’t. If you think something is impossible, it is. If you think and believe you can do something (and you take action) you will achieve many things, even things you didn't even know you wanted to achieve until you decided you were “all in” and willing to…”go the distance”!
Every second of every day, you can only change "you" and what you choose to experience. This means that no matter what anyone else feels…
You can always feel exactly the way you want to feel.
So pick an emotion and do it!
For more answers to these questions or any other, please contact me.
BSG Event Answers For Healthy Woman Members
by CJ Harlan
© copyright 2014
TheHarlanCircle.com
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