I am going nowhere. I am really busy. I play a lot of bridge, help my friends who have a business raise money $ for the symphony. I have a really busy social life but I hate how I look. I lost my daughter in 2006 –
I have a hard time dealing."
I've lost family members that are very dear to me. The loss turned my whole world upside down. Yet, experience has taught me that when it’s your child that passes, when there are unanswered questions, a lack of understanding of what happened and why, there seems to be no greater pain. So let's work together to get you past the pain and onto enjoying your life more fully.
In looking over what you shared with me, I see that there are a lot of wonderful things taking place in your life. You clearly are an important person. You are recognized for your talents and seem to truly care about others. You fight for great causes and are a supporter of the Arts. You know how to have fun, even if you may not have allowed yourself to fully embrace your FUN GIRL for awhile. It’s understandable. The great thing is your fun girl is there for you waiting for when you’re ready to let her come out and play. She is not alone either. There are many other parts of yourself that you can rely on to give you more strength. Including your “Sexy Self”! When you lose someone, it is even more important to find you. See yourself through the loving eyes of the one you lost physically. What attributes would they say you have? How would they want you to live out your life? Have you lost more than this person, have you lost yourself?
When you lose someone, there’s a period of time in which you may feel as though you've lost “You”. Your identity has changed. Certain things that you felt were once important to you, no longer seem important. Your loss seems so unjust, unnecessary, unfair, confusing, it goes against any model of the world that you saw for yourself and for your loved one.
When you lose someone or something, you can feel an incredible weight over you, you move back and forth from one emotion to the next and some days you feel like you are on your very own game show called…Wheel of Emotions!
You never know what emotion your inner spinner is going to land on and buying a vowel never seems to fill in the right blank that you need to get the answer you’re trying so hard to figure out. Winning seems like only something other people experience and for you, you’re experience is being stuck playing this game as a contractual contestant. There’s no foreseen end to this game show. It just keeps getting picked up year after year and you want off the show!
Well it is time to tear up that contract! I give you the power to be the network and cancel the show. The ratings have gone way down. There’s no way this show is going to survive another network. Choose to leave the game playing to your bridge nights.
If you can’t win at something you either need to: find a mentor and learn how to win; change your game entirely to something you know you can win; or decide to play for fun and accept that you will win some, lose some, knowing all the while that the true joy will come from the connections you make while you play.
You will gain control over your life again, when you decide to choose to live to honor your daughter and the life you can create with her, even in her physical absence. Make it count for both of you. Ask yourself: Am I living in honor of her and all that she has given me? If your daughter, as I believe she is, watches over you, would she be happy with the decisions you have made? Does your daughter want you to be happy and healthy?
If she loves and cares for you, the answer is yes, she does. I believe she is with you in spirit every day and every night. You never have to feel alone, because she will always be with you. Look for the signs that she is with you and welcome those in to comfort you instead of food. Know that she is proud of you and all that you have accomplished. Honor her life and create even more in her name. Honor yourself and let yourself be free of your pain. It’s okay to let go. You’re not letting go of her when you let go of your pain. Letting go of your pain is not dishonoring her, it is setting yourself free to give so much more. If you let go, you’ll open yourself up to receiving more, too. You have so much more to experience and it can be fantastic!
Ask yourself: What would my daughter want for me to have in my life? What would she want me to do for myself? What would she want me to do with her things? What would my daughter want me to do about my health? Would she want me to fall in love or create more passion in my life? Would she want me to keep volunteering my time to great causes? Is she proud of me?
If you can’t answer these questions on your own and you need support in helping you find your way through everything you are experiencing, then please reach out to me or someone for the help you need. These are answers that can help you regain what’s missing in your life.
I had the pleasure of meeting you face to face. I felt your energy. I know you’re a very strong woman. I know you can honor your daughter and yourself in ways that can set you free to experience joy and fulfillment again in all of the areas that have been lacking. You have so much to offer others. You’re important to them. You’re respected by others. You are needed and loved by others. Lean into this and know that you can handle anything. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that it’s possible. We all do!
Speaking of possible…once you can get the clarity you need and put REAL closure on your pain and loss, you will stop eating at night.
I will help you see how and help you make it so. It can be easier than you think, with the right strategies.
Eating at night is something that a lot of people do, so know that you’re not the only one with this habit. You write that you come home tired eat a little, then at again later. You are starting to recognize some patterns which I applaud you for noticing. That’s fantastic!
One of the things you have to do in order to change your habits, is to heighten your awareness. You need to become your very own detective. In taking on this role, I’ll supply you with some clarity questions. Take this opportunity to turn these answers into clues. Please note that you are not to focus on what you eat. I am not concerned with what you eat. Yes I said that! Instead, I want you to ask yourself: What times of day and night do you eat? What is your routine? Do you have a routine or do you eat at random times throughout the day? What activities do you do before you eat and after you eat? When you socialize do you eat more or less? Do you feel a need to eat with other people or are you more prone to eat alone in private? Do you eat less in front of others and then eat more when you’re alone? When you eat how do you feel? Has your eating increased or decreased since you lost your daughter?
Your self-image and how you feel in your own skin right now is being challenged, but as I said you’re an incredible woman and I know what you are capable of, even having met you for a short time.
As for your anger, use it! See all the messages it provides. It’s telling you that you are fed up with a lot of things. You are exhausted and this makes you angry because you know you’re not taking care of yourself as you know you need to, in order to accomplish what is important to you. Your anger or guilt says that you've compromised something, a value, or a part of yourself. It’s saying it’s time for you to stop punishing yourself. Anger can provide you with energy when you need it. So, don’t look at anger as a bad thing. Anger is a good thing, if you use it to empower you to take action in your life to create more for you, for your daughter, and for others. So it is your time to heal, let go and move on…with your daughter in your life, by your side…not without her.
If you want to talk more about everything, contact me.
Let’s move you through all of this so you can feel like you can go anywhere and everywhere. Nowhere, is no longer a destination for you.
BSG Event Answers For Healthy Woman Members
by CJ Harlan
© copyright 2014