"How do I handle emotions caused by a stressful co-worker which follows up with unnecessary actions?"
Blame comes from a Responsibility Deficiency. Meaning you’re not taking responsibility for your part in how you feel, what you think, what you have said or what you have done. This happens mostly because of fear. Fear that you may: fail in some way; hurt, anger or disappoint someone; be unsuccessful; lose out on an opportunity; not be loved…the list of potential fears I could list is a very long one.
When you look at everything that happens on any given day, take note that there are very few things that we can actually control in our lives. Yet, the things you can control gives you the power you need to move through and successfully go beyond any goal you set for yourself.
Although your emotions can seem to get high jacked at times; your emotions are one of the few things which you can control, if you learn how. Know that your frustrations are shared by many. You’re not wrong for feeling as you do. You’re merely experiencing a wealth of sensations. If you wanted to, you could choose to welcome these feelings as reminders that you’re very much ALIVE and are probably a very passionate person. Someone who most likely hasn't been fully acknowledged, respected or appreciated. When it really comes right down to it, you probably haven’t even been able to be the REAL you for some time, or ever.
Please note that even if you were among the minority to score a 10 on a meter for managing your emotions (10 being the most effective manager), take comfort in the fact that the best emotional managers can be influenced to feel one way or another and cast out blame from time to time.
You’re human! Humans are emotional beings by nature. Some of us more than others. The thing you want to be aware of is that at any moment, in any situation, you can choose to take responsibility for what you experience. So, choose and experience the emotions you want to feel. It’s your choice.
As for addressing the part of your question that states: “which follows up with unnecessary actions”, it would be helpful to have more information on what these actions are and who is acting out. If you wish to, you can certainly contact me and share more with me so I can more accurately answer this part of your question. For now, however, I’ll make an educated guess about what you’re looking for me to address.
My guess addresses two directions. Either you're talking about the stressful co-worker’s unnecessary actions, or you're talking about your own unnecessary actions being a result of the emotions you’re feeling because of your interactions with this stressed out co worker. The first being the co-worker’s actions...once again you have no control over his or her actions. You can only control how you will act.
What behaviors do you resort to when you’re in certain situations? Are you reactive or proactive? Regardless of how you act, you need to look at the hidden messages behind the actions taking place. Learn to be more selective in how you spend your energy.
If he, or she, is aggressive towards you in their words and actions, then you have to ask yourself: Why they are acting this way?
Do they feel like they're not being heard? Are they fearful that if they don’t fix a problem that they will be demoted or fired? Are they over reacting because they're under a lot of pressure at home? Is this person’s behavior misdirected because they feel safe enough with you to vent and they just aren't very good at being vulnerable or asking for help? Did this person just get promoted and are they still trying to figure out how to manage everything? Are they feeling overwhelmed? Most people can relate to these possibilities. If you can, then you can become a compassionate onlooker, rather than an attacked victim.
I could go on to site many more examples, but I think you can gather from what I've said so far, that when you step back and remove yourself from the situation it gets easier to see the whole picture and not take things so personally. It’s as if you're watching yourself in a movie. You watch as you become one of the two characters interacting at a safe distance.
Another thing you can do, when faced with this kind of situation, is to look at the meanings you're attaching to the situation as a whole. It doesn't matter if it’s your actions or their actions that are unnecessary. Words, looks, touches, lack of interaction, tones, body language, all of these things get their energy through you...by way of the meaning you assign to a situation or someone's actions.
For example, if someone's taking an assertive stance, are very direct in their delivery in what needs to get done and by when, you can either 1 - You “assign”: that this person is a confident effective driven co-worker; that they take pride in their structure systems; that may be concerned about being able to meet their deadlines so you’re feeling a bit challenged; that you feel good about them entrusting you with this opportunity. Or, 2 - You “assign”: that this co-worker is aggressive; they have a domineering personality; they are trying to manipulate you into doing their work for them; they will take full credit for your work and therefore you will feel taken advantage of and disrespected. Of course, there are many alternative scripts you can read from when you assess your interactions with this co-worker or anyone in your life. As the director of this movie, you can see how each assigned script could play out to either create an Oscar winner or be a flop at the box office.
Managing emotions is something that everyone could benefit from if they take time out to learn and apply this life choice, daily. It doesn't matter if you lose your cool, you can course correct yourself during any minute of your day. Start by throwing out generalizations. When you say your whole day or night is ruined, shift to say "Well, that last 15 minutes sucked, but I have the choice to make the next minute or many minutes be wonderful.
You have 1,440 minutes a day to use wisely, in a manner that serves you and those around you. That could add up to a lot of successful moments each day!
To sum things up...The power to control things in your life depends greatly on your ability to see things clearly with a perspective and meaning that serves you and your goals. If you can control your focus (your thoughts, WHAT you tell yourself, and what meanings you assign to things); your actions (behaviors, body language, and overall physiology); and your language (HOW you tell yourself things and the words you choose), then you can create rules and beliefs that will help you achieve any of your goals, including emotional ones.
As one of my mentors once told me...
Emotions Don't Happen To You, You Do Emotions!
So...Choose the emotions you want to experience and do them!
For more answers to your questions, regarding: “How do I stop blaming my hubby for always wanting to go out several times a week/weekend? It sabotages my ability to stay on my plan.”
Read my Q&A entry titled: Stop Blaming Your Husband
BSG Event Answers For Healthy Woman Members
by CJ Harlan
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